It may be because of you that I’m finding loop holes in everything.
I find that the walls of hospital rooms and the sheets on death beds hear more sincere prayers than church pews do. I tend to hear more sincere promises during the last few minutes of a person’s life than I do whenever they ring wedding bells.
People seem to think embracing life means to jump off cliffs and kiss strangers. Maybe it’s just slowly learning to love yourself.
“I don’t care that you got into drugs for three months straight, or how much sleep you lost in that period. I don’t care that you went home and fucked that person and woke up at 6am hating everything about yourself, or that you smoked so much you sounded as though your lungs were giving out.
You’re not a bad person for the ways you tried to kill your sadness.
You’re just human, and being human means you need to survive and you do so whichever way you deem fit, fuck everyone else.”
—Hannah Elizabeth Frances
What The Person You Deserve Is Like
You deserve love and security, a combination that warms the core of your heart. You deserve knowledge that the person you are with wants to be there and, more importantly, won’t run away when times get tough. This is someone that will stay by your side, fight your fights right there with you because they know you would do the same for them.
You deserve someone who laughs at your jokes and smiles at the mere sight of you smiling. This smile will be genuine, not fake, and you will feel butterflies when you see it and your smile will grow until your cheeks can no longer take it.
You deserve someone who brings you coffee in the morning because they know the addiction is real. You deserve breakfast in bed, flowers “just because,” and hugs that feel like you are at home.
You deserve hands that only reach for you. They may be dry, cracked, calloused, perfectly manicured, or a complete mess, but they know you, your hands, and your body. They don’t reach away to know more.
You deserve someone who doesn’t make you cry, at least on purpose, because you are human and you feel deeply and love passionately, and when one teardrop falls there may be a thousand more, but you are not alone. Even though they hurt you, they hold you until the shaking stops, wiping away your tears and kissing your damp cheeks although you whisper for them to stop. They will say sorry and you will feign being mad until you both give in to happiness again because you know anger is a state the two of you cannot remain in.
You deserve someone who takes responsibility for their mistakes and who apologizes for the times they unintentionally hurt you because you would do the same for them. You deserve someone who can forgive as you do, even if neither of you can completely forget.
You deserve someone whose touch feels like fireworks across your skin, whose eyes always look for yours when they enter a room, and whose heart never yearns for the attention of another.
You deserve trust that may waver but never entirely falter. It will look nothing like control. It will look like freedom but with your best friend by your side holding your hand. There will be moments of jealousy, but these will be outweighed by smiles, laughter, trust, and love.
You deserve back rubs for no reason, dinner you don’t have to make alone, a hand to hold, a heart to feel, and a person who cannot imagine life without you in it.
You deserve security just as much as you deserve spontaneity. You will be comfortable but not so settled down that stubborn roots no longer give you the nutrients you need to grow. This person you are with will try the things you enjoy and you will try the things they do as well. You will find new things to do and new places to go because you both love to share these sorts of moments together.
You deserve someone who pushes you to be better, to seek out the best opportunities for you even if the next step is terrifying for you both.
You deserve chocolate when you are cranky, a partner to indulge in your guilty television pleasures, and someone who tries to kiss you even though they just watched you puke up breakfast, lunch, and dinner. This is the person who laughs when you correct their grammar instead of getting mad, the one who knows they had better text you back, and the person who understands that you will not always have your “A game” out on display.
You deserve someone who wants to be better for you, someone who strives to be better for you, but, most importantly, you deserve someone who wants to be better for themselves. This is the type of person who will grow alongside of you and never dream of holding you back.
You deserve someone who is looking at the big picture in life, and that picture has you in it.
You deserve someone who continues looking forward, someone who doesn’t stop constantly to look at the past. They may not like everything about who you were before, but they love who you have become. They know not to let your past trip them up for too long. You both came into the relationship with baggage that slowly unpacked itself and, even though it would be easy enough to pack up your things and go back to your respective homes, you both stay.
You deserve someone who loves you as much as you love them, a life that is so beautiful that you cannot tell if you are awake or still in bed dreaming, and someone who doesn’t so much as put one foot out the door because they know you are not the person to walk away from. This will be the person who sticks around through thick and thin because they want to, not because they have to.
You deserve all of this and so much more, and you deserve it for a lifetime.
A stubborn girl in love would throw away all these fears and take the plunge, but a smart girl in love understands that if there is any hope for a future together, being apart now is necessary.
I don’t want you to feel obligated to be a part of my future just because we couldn’t work it out on our first attempt. Our love knows much better than that. There are endless possibilities to seize, and when they are revealed to us, we’ll appreciate why we gave it time.
I find comfort in knowing that when our paths cross again, you and I will be the persons we ought to be, and by then, we can give the right kind of love—the love we both deserve.
After all, timing really is everything.
“You don’t quit on the people you love.”
“You can’t say that. You quit on us. You didn’t stay.”
“I didn’t stay, because staying felt like quitting on myself.”
That moment you realize your world just fell apart entirely, and you’re still standing.
Life is incredibly complex – I’m not even talking about life as a whole, but each of our personal lives. There are so many aspects and so many details that make up who we are as individuals that it can be nearly impossible to hold everything together.
Sometimes holding it all together isn’t possible. Sometimes things are meant to fall apart and break. Sometimes the life you are leading is so far from the life you are meant to be living that losing everything is the only way you can make it out on top.
The moment you realize that not even loss itself can stop you, that sadness, despair, anger and fear cannot hold you back, is the moment you become perfect. Perfectly flawed, but perfect nonetheless.
I swear to God, I’ve never been more scared than how I am right now. I should be happy, right? I should be giddy with excitement. But all I’m feeling right now is gut-wrenching fear. I’m scared of falling flat on my face in disappointment again. It’s not like I could do anything about it. It’s not like it’s something I can control.
It’s so difficult pretending to be okay, you know? All those fake smiles and fake reassurances that I’m fine take all of the strength that’s left with me. I just want to break down, and brawl, and cry. But I can’t. I need to keep up this facade of strength so they don’t worry about me. It hurts, physically, to pretend to be fine. But right now, I can’t afford to be anything but “fine”.