I swear to God, I’ve never been more scared than how I am right now. I should be happy, right? I should be giddy with excitement. But all I’m feeling right now is gut-wrenching fear. I’m scared of falling flat on my face in disappointment again. It’s not like I could do anything about it. It’s not like it’s something I can control.

It’s so difficult pretending to be okay, you know? All those fake smiles and fake reassurances that I’m fine take all of the strength that’s left with me. I just want to break down, and brawl, and cry. But I can’t. I need to keep up this facade of strength so they don’t worry about me. It hurts, physically, to pretend to be fine. But right now, I can’t afford to be anything but “fine”.


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