By Chelsea Fagan
1. Excessive compliments.
Everyone loves compliments. It’s just part of human nature — there is no ego that is immune to a little sincere flattery. Key word here being sincere, it should be noted. Because there are worlds of difference between a sprinkling of “Your hair looks beautiful” throughout an otherwise-intellectually stimulating conversation, and a human woodchipper who is being fed positive words through the ear and is indiscriminately spitting affirmations. Unfortunately, for those who clearly went to the Compliment Into The Cooter School of Sexual Prowess, we are not items on a Chuck E Cheese prize shelf which can be handed off with the right amount of flattery tickets. Perhaps you could get a Power Rangers squirt gun, though, which enough time at the skee ball machine.
2. Reconnaissance missions into her current love life.
Oh, man, is her boyfriend ever a dick. He is just such a bad, bad guy, and he is not treating her right whatsoever. He is being a big old meanie, and he needs to get to scootin’! Except, instead of actually being concerned for your female friend who may or may not be going through a rough time with her current flame (who may or not be an actual bad guy), the real agenda here is doing that little switching thing with the train tracks of her personal life so that instead of heading vagina-first into CurrentBoyfriendBurg, she lands unexpectedly on YourPenisPlaza right around dinnertime. And this is just not going to happen.
3. Persisting when she has already said “No.”
There is something incredibly creepy about the guy who, after being turned down, continues to pepper his object of affection with various methods of letting her know that he is madly in love with her and cannot live without her, despite only having spoken to her by a total of 30 minutes. If leaving the poetry under her doormat was met with a resounding “Please stop coming to my house,” chances are high that waiting outside of her work for her to come out so that you can whisk her away to the world’s most uncomfortable happy hour might be (rightfully) answered with a restraining order.
4. Buying her a certain number of things.
If you have ever seriously thought to yourself that you are actually owed sexual contact after you have shelled out a certain amount of money for things such as steak, movie tickets, coffee, or alcohol, you should probably put your sad, sexist lil’ wiener out of its misery right now because it is only on this earth to do harm.
5. Reminding her that she would be lucky to have you.
Hey, girl, did you know that you are fat/ugly/a ball-buster/any number of qualities which render you undeserving of even the most lackluster penile affection? Well, Awesome Guy is here to tell you! Because, come on, if you don’t take this chance to boink the Christ figure who is generous enough to jump on your genital grenade, you are basically going to shrivel up like a sexually-unappealing raisin, never to be heard from again. How could you possibly refuse this offer???!?!
6. Talking about how you didn’t take it when you “could have.”
Does she remember that time she passed out in your bed after a night of partying with your mutual friends and you decided, against the clear will of the universe at large, that you were not going to squeeze her breasts like those honky horns on children’s bicycles while she was incapacitated? She had better, because this is clearly your one-way ticket into the Mystical Arena of Consensual Sex. As we all know, the valiant princes who deny their God-given right to violate other human beings when presented with the opportunity are destined to be showered with metaphorical roses and gold coins, conveniently in the form of vaginas. If she is not prepared to do her duty, we should probably just burn her at some kind of stake, as she is clearly a practitioner of the blackest magic.