Scratch that


Hello. Hey, I really like you.

Dear You.

I’m in a really confused state right now. And it’s not a good state to be in. I really don’t find these moments of vagueness anywhere near pleasurable.

I don’t know.

It feels nice when our fingers intertwine. It feels right when we’re seated next to each other. Your hugs are the best. They make me feel warm, and fuzzy, and happy. When I’m with you, it feels like everything just falls into place.

We constantly joke about being together and being each other’s significant other. We both know that once upon a time, those thoughts were not just jokes. But at that time, I wasn’t ready. I know that once upon a time, even knowing that you were what my heart wanted, I broke yours and a little piece of my own as well.

I do not know if what I did was right, or wrong, or if in this game with no rules nothing could be considered exclusively right or exclusively wrong.

We didn’t end up together, (Thank you Capt. Obvious) and having had time for our hearts to mend, we ended up staying friends. Grew close in the premise of a platonic setting. Adding up to the extensive list of things that I do not know: I do not know if the next statement is true for you as well, or if it’s just me: even if we’re not together, even if I’d long given up on having any possibility of us ending up together, I could not shake the chemistry between us. That without any of the both of us exerting any effort, things just fall into place.

But this has happened before. And the occurrence of which has a multiplicity to it. And though countless times I thought that Gosh, this feels so right. It eventually ends up feeling wrong. It eventually proceeds to a fall-out, not quite bad enough to lose our friendship, but enough to prevent anything else to grow out of our already-close relationship. I keep trying and trying to rack my brain and remember the cause of these fall-outs but I come up empty handed.

Why, on the brink of something possibly amazing, proceeds a fall out?

I always pictured myself to be a risk-taker, a go-getter, but how come it’s so difficult for me to trust someone who makes me happy?

I do not want to not be happy.

I want to be as happy as a chocoholic stuck in a Hershey’s factory.

I want to be with you. I miss you. 

I’m not sure I like you all that much.

I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be writing about you if I wasn’t thinking about you so much for the past week. Ugh this is confusing.

Why do fall outs happen? Falling out with you hurts. Fall outs between us over and over and over again hurts and hurts and hurts. 

Hmmmmm I need a hug. 😦


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