I’ve been in some sort of rut these past few days, I feel like I’m drifting, smiling when I meet people in the hallways, laughing when someone tells a funny story, though more often than not, I don’t even notice if it really is funny. It always feels like I’m caught in a tide, a very strong current that ceases to bring me to shore.
I’m drowning. Ever so slowly I’m sinking. Bobbing my head underwater, trying to be at a level above sea, grasping for air.
I am aware that I am usually not like this. I know that the people around me are starting to notice that the person they’ve been with these past few days is just wearing a meticulously carved masked. But everything has its own imperfections. And they’re starting to see through the cracks.
At first I thought it wouldn’t last. At first I thought that it was just a passing phase, some hormones didn’t mix well, or maybe it was just the weather, I was putting blame on the most petty things to keep me from the inevitable act of self-examination.
But as I said, self-examination was inevitable, and it pains me to take note that after so much time being okay alone, being strong in independence, being happy unattached, I discover that I’m getting sad.
On an out of town trip we made, I was sitting alone in a chair on the porch, just savouring the act of being alone as I occasionally do, when a friend of mine approached me and asked me if I was okay. My instinctive reaction would be that I’d say I’m okay. Because that’s all I’ve been for so long; I’ve been okay. But there was something in the way he asked the question that I knew he wouldn’t have taken some bullshit template answer, so I told him the truth (well, partially that is, because even I didn’t know what the real answer to “Are you okay?” was).
“It pains me to say that I’m not entirely at my best.” “Why? What’s wrong?” and what really curdled my insides was the realization that the girl with the answer to almost everything, didn’t know the answer to that.
After much thought, all I could reply to him was a fully-loaded-gun-to-the-forehead “I don’t know.”
I don’t cherish this rut I’m in. I hate being sad when I know I have so much to be happy about. I know I got a lot of things to be excited for. I’m still not giving up on my hypotheses that this is just a passing phase, I’ll sooner or later get past this, or I’ll be back to my normal self in no time.
For the mean time that I’m holing up in this bleak well of misery, (ewww. That sounded over and beyond emo) I’ll try not to drown. I’ll keep my head up, surrounding myself with really awesome people who make me laugh, eating sumptuous consumables, and thinking of happy thoughts,. You are what you think of after all. “You can be anything”, they said. So I’ll try to be Batman. 🙂